On top of looking for a house AND getting ready to pack AND dealing with all of my daily mommy/wifey tasks, I have taken on the potty training my 2 year old. Am I crazy? If not, then I certainly will be by the end of all this. Sheesh. This is certainly going to either advance my gray hairs or drive me up a tree. Probably both. I am trying really hard to just lean on the Lord. I know I am failing because I feel like I'm sinking under the weight of all of the stuff that needs to get done. My to do list keeps getting longer and I'm looking around for someone, anyone, to talk to and I can't find anyone other than my husband. And I love him dearly but he works all day and kind of contributes to my to do list. I keep thinking about my family who no longer talks to me for reasons I'm really not sure of. I think of my adopted family and they have a lot of their own issues going on right now. I just don't feel like I have anyone. "Friends" aren't around either.
I am the type of person who will text or call a person just because to tell them I'm thinking of them and hoping they are doing ok. I guess that isn't the norm at all because no one ever does that for me. I think I may get a text every now and then from a friend at church. But she's pregnant and dealing with her own issues as well. I don't know. I guess my expectations for people are just too high. I'm getting used to being alone. After the who thing with my family I was forced to really just be alone. I didn't really care that my friends didn't contact me much when I had my family to talk to but now I have no one to talk to. I mean, I could strike up a conversation if I really wanted to with someone but I feel like I'm always the one striking up the conversations these days. Everyone is just so busy and I guess I'm not making it onto their radar.
I'm tired. Really tired. We have been looking for a house now for about two weeks and this process is going to drive me crazy. We find one we like only to find out that someone swooped in and put an offer on it without seeing it, or even better, it's not a legitimate listing and we've wasted our time. The places we can afford are literally in really bad neighborhoods, which also depresses me. I am a stay at home mom, so we need somewhat of a safe neighborhood because people will eventually notice we are home all day with the kids. I am literally so frustrated. I can't even look at houses online anymore without crying. Our only other option is to move out of state. And with my husband not being able to find a job out of state, we are taking a risk even looking out of state. This whole process is so ridiculously frustrating. In the mean time, we have given our 30 day notice to our landlord and have no where to go.
I don't want to read my Bible, I don't want to pray. I just want to crawl into a hole and disappear. I don't know how to feel. I don't know how to act. I don't know what to do. I see the list of things to do getting longer and I just can't move into action to complete anything. I literally am paralyzed. All the while my children are feeling the stress of all of this. And our money is running out faster and faster every two weeks. I look at what needs to be done and what can be done and so many things are just getting left undone. Oil changes on the cars.....undone. And I just see in my head my car stranded on the side of the road broken down because we couldn't afford to get a service and oil change. It's the thoughts like this that drive me insane. Another one lately has been the realization that I am going to have to pack up our entire house by myself. My husband isn't a clean person this doesn't register in his head as something that needs to get started now. And then I realized right after that thought that my house has never been 100% clean. We are going on 2 years living here and our family pictures have been sitting in the same place collecting dust. Never hung, never even considered. I would love to do it myself but haven't had the chance. I've asked for help and it has never been done. So now, they get packed back up and moved to another house. Next time I'm not even going to unpack them. I'm just going to leave them in the box.
And then there's the whole homeschooling thing. I have come to the decision that I will register my daughter by myself. I could join a PSP, but we can't afford that either. Registering her myself is basically free. But with that comes the stress of having all the right documentation. I'm not even sure what I need. All I do know is that I have to have something on a specific color of paper and I don't even know where to get it! And all of this needs to be done by October. So I'm prioritizing in my head when things need to get done and in what order and it's driving me crazy. And with school comes curriculum. We couldn't afford to buy it at our home school conference. So I found some lady only and mailed her a check for some math curriculum that we really wanted, hoping this lady isn't a scam artist trying to steal my money.
I am so ready for this year to be over. It just seems like month after month there is something else. Day after day there is something else. I've got a daily to do list in my head and a weekly one and a monthly one. Nothing is being checked off because most of the stuff we can't afford to do. It is so frustrating. And my husband doesn't get it. I don't even know how to explain it in a way he would understand. He just tells me to stop worrying. If I stopped thinking about all of the stuff that needs to get done then who would take care of it? I don't see any magical helpers swooping in to take care of that mountain of laundry sitting on my floor. Or the dishes, or to clean my toilets or take out my trash. No one is coming to my rescue. I have to do it or it won't get done.
I need prayer. And a miracle.
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