Moving forward

I never knew it would be so difficult to admit when it's time to let a friendship/relationship go.  When you get to the point where the relationship is hurting you more than helping you.  I desire to be a follower of Christ and that relationship seemed to always drag me back into the mud.  I know I can't stay there.  I know that being involved with that person/people will only put me back in a place I'm trying so hard to get away from.  I just want to be a follower of Christ.  I hate that I can't take everyone with me on this journey.  It sucks.  It really sucks.  I want so much to just get through to them.  But after all these years I think I'm ready to admit I can't.  It's not to say I won't ever interact with them again.  I mean, I kind of have to in a way.  I'm just saying that I won't put myself in a position to be brought down again.

I don't like the way I am when these people are around.  I don't like what they deliberately try to bring out of me.  It's so sad.  I can never be the person I'm striving to be.  I will always be that person with the past.  You know?  My past will never allow me to be a better person in their eyes.  It just saddens me to see how these people continue to act.  I mean, as followers of Christ we are supposed to turn the other cheek, right?  But I know the Lord doesn't want us to be used and abused either, right?  I'm so drained by it all.  I just feel like all of me has been sucked right out of my ears or something.

Aren't the people who love you supposed to show that?  Why then do these people take any chance to hit below the belt?  I don't understand.  I really am so confused.  I guess the fact they are family doesn't change much.  I guess when you feel threatened you lash out even if it is family.  I feel wounded.  Like I have a deep cut in my stomach.  It hurts so much.  But I'm not surprised either.  I think that's what makes it worse too.  I'm not surprised by these turn of events from these people.  And I bet I could even predict the "I'm sorry".  (Usually two days after the incident.) Although this time I think it will be another "Well you did...." fill in the blank. I'm over it.  I'm almost 30 years old and my family still treats me like a door mat. I have children of my own and I don't want them to grow up with all this drama and nonsense in their lives. I think it's time for me to love them from afar and mean it.  It just hurts.  To know that people just don't change sometimes.

I pray that I won't be so stubborn that I will refuse to change what the Lord is asking me to change.  Because God will change you.  Whether we do it willingly or not.  If He has to force us into submission, He will change us.  I want to do so willingly.  I don't want to be hard headed or stubborn to the point of my own demise.