The Weight of Sin

I hate sin.  I specifically hate my sin.  It's the only thing that can make you feel legitimately like the scum of the earth.  I don't like that my sin can affect my children.  Every time I lose my temper or act out my frustration in anger towards my kids I feel so guilty.  I see flashes of my own life and what it was like having a parent with a temper.  I hate that I lose my temper.  I hate that satan knows exactly what to do to push me over the edge.  But is it really satan?  Or is it God testing me in this area because He knows how much I need to grow?  I say this all the time to people: "I don't want the Lord to have to use extreme measures to get my attention."  And I don't want the Lord to have to take my children away from me in order to teach me how to show them more grace.  My heart breaks thinking of the thought of not having my beautiful children with me.  How can I say I love them and lose my temper so easily?  It doesn't make sense.  I am such a sinner and I struggle with showing God's grace.  God poured out His grace upon me so freely and I can't be patient with my children?!  Come on Jeneva!  Really?!  I'm so wretched.  I am so heartbroken that I may leave scars in my children's lives because of moments where my patience does not display what God wants me to be for them.  I might as well order my millstone now!  I have been praying for divine patience for years now.  I don't want to be like my father.  He got angry so quickly and impatient and abusive.  I just pray that the Lord will forgive me for my lack of patience with these children that He has intrusted to my care.  I pray that I would never make them stumble or question God at all because of my impatience.  I repent NOW for my actions towards my children.  I'm not throwing my baby off of a parking structure but my negative words and lack of patience are no better!  Lord please forgive me!  Please restore my children's faith in me as their mother if any of it was lost.  I love you Lord and I know you will help me.  I truly need you Lord.  Amen.